No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I will pee on everything he values.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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