My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
