every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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