My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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