So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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