my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
