i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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