Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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