im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
