I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
