Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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