so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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