my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
