I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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