I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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