you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
