they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
