My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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