perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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