ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I party with great urgency now.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
