First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
