Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
