I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
