I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
