Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
