I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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