Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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