I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
