i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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