Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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