Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My feet surprised me
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