I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
