dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
