There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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