i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
