Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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