6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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