he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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