So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
