If i come over, it means nothing
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
