WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
