this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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