I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
