every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
