I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
