my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Life is so much better after having sex.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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