you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
