Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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