Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
