hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
