so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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