Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
