Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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